Summer is approaching very quickly and I’m honestly having some mixed feelings about the fact that Junior year is basically over. There’s only a few months left until I’m pulling my hair out and stressing about college applications. In a year, I’ll be done with high school and starting the next chapter of my life. But however depressed and regretful I feel about the school year coming to an end, I’m still really happy that it’s summer and I can finally get a break from slaving away night after night.
Creative Common by José Garrido
Today, someone in my class asked me what I was planning to do during summer break, since it is only a couple days away. So many ideas were flowing through my mind and all these gears were twisting and turning about what I could possibly be doing over the break, but I had no idea what to tell him. I didn’t know how to get my thoughts out into words. The only thing I managed to say was “umm…I’m not really sure.” And then he gave me this look as if he was saying “Ok cool, Cynthia” before walking away. He and I both know that it wasn’t cool.
Kids my age usually know exactly what they’re going to be doing over summer break, whether it be chilling with friends, doing summer assignments, working, or even staying at home to watch Netflix all day. I mean come on, it’s summer break. We’ve been working toward this for 9 months. But I still had no idea what to say, and that’s the problem.
I find myself not knowing what to say all the time because I just don’t know how to express myself in a way that other people would like. I feel like everything I do or say won’t be enough, or won’t be what others want to hear. I hide my thoughts and myself all the time because there are people out there that are just so much better than me.
“I’m not too sure old Phoebe knew what the hell I was talking about. I mean she’s only a little child and all. But she was listening, at least. If somebody at least listens, it’s not too bad.” – The Catcher in the Rye
Why do people have a hard time expressing themselves?
For the past month, my English class and I have been reading The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger. As a class, we posed the question above, to brainstorm and discuss during our reading process. Holden Caulfield is a troubled teenager, whom, I feel, has a very hard time expressing himself. Due to the things that he’s been through and the people that surround him, he doesn’t properly express who he is through his words or actions.
Creative Common by Jaszmurka
Throughout the whole story, Holden keeps saying that he wants somebody to listen to him. He wants to find someone that will have an intelligent conversation with him. But when he finally finds someone who will listen and offer an intelligent conversation, he chickens out and calls them fake.
I think I really connect to Holden in the fact that we both want someone to listen to us. Not listen to what we’re saying, but listen to our inner cry for help, the cry that voices our distress and our need to be understood.
My problem in not being able to express myself comes from the fear of not being understood for my words and thoughts. In my English class, I don’t usually participate in discussions because I really like listening to other ideas that are presented and discussed. I just feel like taking in the information from other people, since there are so many smart people in my class. I always feel like I won’t be appreciated for what I contribute in debates and discussions. In the story, Holden says, “I listened, and I heard something, but it wasn’t much.” I feel like that’s what so many people will think after they hear me speak.
Every once in a while I’ll get my ideas out to the class, but I mostly keep it within my group, and I think that is mainly because I’m comfortable with my group. I’m going to leech off my post about Seth Godin and recreating life for a bit. In that post, I put a picture of a group of people from my English class that I am definitely comfortable with. With them, I find myself able to communicate my feelings and thoughts so well that it doesn’t even seem like me. They’re only a fraction of the 37 students in my class, and I really regret not being able to bond with the rest of my classmates they way I’ve bonded with those 8 people. Not only do they listen to my ideas and thoughts, I feel as if they really understand me. They give me the best atmosphere to show who I am and express myself 100%.
Self-expression is never an easy feat, but with the right help from the right people, anyone can get there. If everyone were to support and just try to understand each other, there would be no problems with self-expression. Natural self-expression is the best expression, and to naturally express yourself, you need to feel comfortable and that sense of approval from those closest to you.
cynplicity 